If your baby only settles with Mom, you might be feeling two very different things at once. You may love that your baby finds so much comfort in you, while also feeling completely exhausted by being the only person who can calm them down.
Meanwhile, Dad might be feeling helpless, rejected, frustrated, or unsure of what to do when nothing seems to work. He may want to give you a break but find that the moment he takes the baby, the crying begins.
It can become a difficult cycle. Mom feels like she cannot step away because the baby will cry, and Dad gets fewer opportunities to build confidence because Mom is the one who can settle the baby most quickly.
The good news is that you do not have to break this cycle by leaving your baby to cry or forcing them to accept comfort from someone they are not ready for yet. Instead, both parents can work together to build a stronger relationship between Dad and baby, one positive experience at a time.
And importantly, this process is about more than getting Dad to handle bedtime. It is about helping both parents feel confident, connected, and supported as they navigate the transition to parenthood.
Why Does Baby Only Settle With Mom?
When a baby consistently wants one parent, it can be easy to interpret this as a sign that they have a stronger bond with that parent. But there are many reasons a baby might prefer Mom, and it does not mean Dad is doing anything wrong.
Mom may be the most familiar source of comfort
During pregnancy, a baby becomes familiar with their mother's voice, heartbeat, and movements. After birth, they may continue to associate Mom with familiar smells, warmth, feeding, and soothing routines.
If Mom is breastfeeding, she may also be the person the baby associates most strongly with satisfying hunger. When babies are tired, overstimulated, or upset, they often seek the most familiar form of comfort available to them.
This preference is not a judgment of Dad's parenting abilities. It is often simply a reflection of familiarity and experience.
Babies learn what to expect through repetition
If Mom has been the primary person responding to cries, feeding, and settling the baby, those routines may have become especially familiar.
Dad might be equally loving and attentive, but he may have had fewer opportunities to learn the baby's cues or discover which techniques work best. (If you are still learning to read those signals yourself, our guide to newborn sleepy cues and healthy sleep habits is a good place to start.)
Babies and parents get to know each other through repeated interactions. Dad does not need to recreate Mom's exact approach. He needs time to discover his own ways of connecting with his baby.
Babies can have preferences without having weaker relationships
It is normal for babies to show preferences for particular caregivers at different stages of development. A preference for Mom does not mean a baby cannot form a secure, loving relationship with Dad.
The goal is not to eliminate the baby's preference or make them equally comfortable with everyone immediately. It is to gradually expand their experience of feeling safe and supported with Dad, too.
Start With Connection, Not Crying
One of the biggest mistakes parents can make when trying to help a baby settle with Dad is introducing Dad primarily when the baby is already distressed.
Imagine that your baby is tired, hungry, and overwhelmed. Mom has been trying to settle them for 20 minutes, and everyone is exhausted. Dad steps in, hoping to give Mom a break, but the baby cries harder.
Dad tries rocking, walking, singing, and bouncing. Nothing seems to work. Mom can hear the crying and feels increasingly uncomfortable. Eventually, she takes the baby back, and the crying stops.
What has everyone learned from this experience?
Mom may feel that she really is the only person who can settle the baby. Dad may feel that he is incapable of comforting them. And the baby has had another experience of being distressed while Dad tries to soothe them, followed by returning to their familiar source of comfort.
There is nothing wrong with Mom comforting her baby when they need her. In fact, responding to a baby's distress is important. The issue is that these high-pressure moments are often not the easiest place to begin building a new relationship.
Instead of starting with the hardest moments, start by giving Dad more opportunities to be part of the happiest, calmest parts of the baby's day.
When Dad becomes someone the baby regularly experiences as warm, responsive, playful, and comforting, you can gradually build toward more challenging situations, including settling for sleep.
1. Build More Positive One-on-One Time With Dad
Before expecting Dad to soothe a baby through intense crying, give them plenty of opportunities to enjoy each other's company.
This might sound obvious, but it can make a significant difference. If most of Dad's interactions happen when the baby is already upset, he may begin to associate time with the baby with stress and uncertainty. The baby, in turn, may start to associate Dad's involvement with moments when they are already struggling.
Instead, look for opportunities throughout the day when your baby is relatively content.
For example, Dad could:
- Hold the baby after a feed when they are relaxed and content.
- Spend time doing skin-to-skin cuddles.
- Sing, talk, or make gentle eye contact with the baby.
- Take the baby for a walk in a carrier or stroller, following safe-use guidance.
- Change diapers, get the baby dressed, or help with bath time.
- Have a regular morning cuddle or take responsibility for one part of the bedtime routine.
- Play together when the baby is alert and interested in interacting.
These do not need to be long stretches of time. Ten minutes of enjoyable, responsive interaction can be a valuable starting point.
Try to make this time predictable, too. Perhaps Dad takes the baby after the first morning feed, or he has a regular period of one-on-one time in the afternoon.
Over time, these repeated experiences give Dad and baby a chance to become more familiar with each other without the pressure of needing to stop a crying spell.
And remember, Mom does not need to disappear for this to happen. You can be nearby while Dad and baby spend time together.
2. Let Dad Develop His Own Way of Comforting Baby
It can be tempting for Mom to coach Dad through every interaction, especially when she has spent months learning the baby's cues.
She may know exactly how to hold the baby, which song works best, how much movement they like, and when they are getting tired. Naturally, she wants to share this information.
But there is a balance between offering helpful guidance and expecting Dad to do everything exactly as Mom does.
Dad might have a different way of holding the baby, a different voice, or a different rhythm when rocking. These differences are not necessarily problems. Babies can learn to find comfort in different people and different approaches.
Share what you have noticed about your baby's needs, but leave room for Dad to experiment.
For example, you might say:
"I've noticed that she likes being held close with her arms tucked in when she's getting tired. Why don't you try that and see how she responds?"
This gives Dad useful information without making him feel as though he is being evaluated.
It is also important to remember that what works for Mom may not work for Dad, and vice versa. Dad may discover that walking around the house while quietly talking to the baby is especially effective, even if Mom usually settles the baby by sitting and rocking.
The goal is not to create two identical parents. It is to help both parents become confident in their own relationships with their baby.
3. Gradually Introduce Dad Into the Settling Routine
Once Dad and baby have established some positive one-on-one time, you can begin introducing him into the moments leading up to sleep.
This does not mean handing over an already distressed baby and expecting Dad to figure it out. Instead, think about how you can divide the settling process into smaller, more manageable steps.
For example, if Mom is currently responsible for the entire bedtime routine, you might try the following progression:
Stage 1: Dad participates while Mom remains the primary comforter.
Dad could change the baby's diaper, put on their sleepwear, dim the lights, sing a familiar song, or cuddle the baby while Mom stays close.
Stage 2: Dad takes the lead during the calm parts of bedtime.
Dad might complete the routine up to the final feed or hold the baby while Mom prepares for feeding. If the baby is comfortable, he can continue with cuddling and soothing afterward.
Stage 3: Dad tries settling the baby while Mom is nearby.
When the baby is calm or showing early signs of tiredness, Dad can try rocking, holding, singing, or using another familiar soothing technique. Mom can remain available without immediately taking over at the first sign of fussing.
Stage 4: Dad takes responsibility for an entire settling opportunity.
As Dad and baby become more comfortable together, he might take the lead for one nap or bedtime on a regular basis, with Mom available to help if needed.
You do not need to move through these stages on a strict schedule. Some babies will progress quickly, while others need more time. You may also find that your baby is comfortable with Dad at bedtime but still strongly prefers Mom during overnight wake-ups.
That is okay. The aim is gradual progress, not perfection.
What if the baby starts crying when Dad takes over?
This is where it helps to distinguish between a baby who is communicating a need for comfort and a baby who is experiencing escalating distress.
Dad can try responding calmly, adjusting his hold, reducing stimulation, checking for hunger or discomfort, and using the soothing techniques that the baby already knows. Mom can offer reassurance and help the baby transition between parents when needed.
You do not need to insist that Dad continue until the baby stops crying. If the baby becomes increasingly distressed, it is okay to pause, have Mom provide comfort, and try again during an easier moment.
The important thing is that Dad's involvement does not become a battle that everyone dreads.
You are building familiarity and trust through repeated experiences. You do not have to prove that Dad can settle the baby by pushing through every difficult moment.
4. Yes, Dad Can Help With Feeding and Settling
Feeding is often one of the biggest reasons a baby seems to settle only with Mom. But it does not have to mean Dad cannot participate in soothing or nighttime care.
The best approach depends on how your baby is fed, their age, and their individual needs.
If Mom is breastfeeding
Breastfeeding babies may understandably seek Mom when they are hungry or looking for the comfort of nursing. That does not mean Dad has no role in helping them settle.
Dad can take on the moments before and after feeding, such as:
- Bringing the baby to Mom when they show hunger cues.
- Helping Mom get comfortable and bringing her water or a snack.
- Holding and cuddling the baby after a feed, if they are comfortable.
- Burping the baby when appropriate.
- Changing the diaper and helping the baby transition back to sleep.
- Taking responsibility for a non-feeding wake-up when the baby is not hungry and is receptive to Dad's comfort.
If expressed breast milk or formula in a bottle is already part of your feeding plan, Dad may also be able to participate in feeding, following appropriate feeding guidance.
However, there is no need to introduce a bottle solely to help Dad bond with the baby. He can develop a close, nurturing relationship without being the person who provides every feed.
And if the baby is hungry, feeding them should take priority over trying to teach them to settle another way.
If the baby is bottle-fed
Bottle-feeding can offer Dad more opportunities to participate directly in feeding, but the same principles apply.
Try giving Dad regular opportunities to feed the baby when they are calm and showing hunger cues, rather than making his first attempt during an exhausted, high-pressure nighttime wake-up.
He can learn the baby's feeding cues, pace the feed appropriately, and offer cuddles afterward.
Over time, feeding can become another familiar and enjoyable way for Dad and baby to connect.
What if the baby needs to feed to fall asleep?
Some babies regularly fall asleep while nursing or taking a bottle. If that is currently what helps your baby settle, you do not have to eliminate feeding to sleep before Dad can become more involved.
Instead, you can begin by having Dad participate in the parts of the routine that surround the feed. As the baby becomes more comfortable with him, Dad may be able to hold, cuddle, or help the baby transition to sleep after feeding.
If feeding is the baby's main way of falling asleep, it may take longer for Dad to settle them independently. That is not a reason to assume he cannot do it.
You can also experiment with having Dad take over at a different point in the routine, such as settling the baby after a full feed when they are already drowsy and comfortable.
The goal is to expand the baby's experiences of comfort without withholding the feeding they need.
5. What Mom Can Do to Help Without Becoming the Permanent Backup
When a baby cries in Dad's arms, it can be incredibly difficult for Mom to stay out of the situation.
You may feel anxious hearing your baby cry. You may know that nursing or holding them in a particular way would settle them much faster. You may also feel guilty for wanting a break.
These feelings are understandable.
At the same time, if Mom always takes over immediately, Dad may have fewer opportunities to learn the baby's cues and discover his own soothing strategies.
The solution is not to ignore your instincts or force yourself to tolerate distress that feels wrong. Instead, agree on a plan together before a difficult moment arises.
You might decide that Dad will lead the bedtime routine while Mom remains nearby. If the baby becomes increasingly distressed, you can pause and reassess rather than automatically handing over or insisting that Dad continue.
It can also help to agree on a few practical details:
- Which parts of the routine will Dad take responsibility for?
- What signs tell you that the baby is becoming overwhelmed?
- When will Dad continue trying, and when will you step in?
- How can Mom take a genuine break without feeling she must listen for every cry?
- What will you do if the baby needs feeding or is clearly not ready for Dad to settle them?
Whenever possible, make these decisions when you are both calm, rather than in the middle of the night.
Mom's job is not to make herself unavailable so Dad can bond with the baby. Dad's job is to keep building his relationship with the baby, with Mom's support and with room to develop his own confidence.
And Mom deserves opportunities to rest, too. If you are exhausted, you do not have to personally supervise every interaction or be the only person responsible for the baby's emotional and physical needs.
6. Dad's Feelings Matter, Too: Addressing Insecurity and Fear
This part of the conversation is just as important as the practical settling strategies.
When a baby consistently cries for Mom, Dad may begin to question himself.
He might wonder:
- Why can't I calm my own baby?
- Does my baby not love me as much?
- Am I doing something wrong?
- What if I never become the parent my baby wants?
- Why does my partner seem to know what to do when I feel completely lost?
He may also feel frustrated that he cannot give Mom the break she desperately needs, or guilty that he is not enjoying parenthood in the way he expected.
Sometimes these feelings come out as defensiveness or withdrawal. Dad might stop offering to help because he expects the baby to cry, or he may become irritated when Mom suggests a different approach.
Underneath those reactions, there may be genuine fear, embarrassment, sadness, or a sense of inadequacy.
It is important not to dismiss these emotions as simply a matter of Dad needing to try harder.
The transition to fatherhood begins long before birth
We often talk about pregnancy, birth, and the postpartum period primarily in terms of the mother's physical and emotional experience. And understandably so: pregnancy, childbirth, recovery, and breastfeeding can involve enormous physical and psychological changes.
But fathers and non-birthing partners are also going through a major life transition.
During pregnancy, Dad may be processing fears about becoming a parent, financial pressures, changes to his relationship, concerns about protecting his family, or uncertainty about whether he will know how to care for a newborn.
He may be excited about meeting his baby while also feeling overwhelmed by the responsibility.
After birth, those emotions can intensify. Sleep deprivation, changing routines, reduced time with a partner, and the pressure to be a supportive parent can all take a toll.
And while Mom may have more opportunities to learn her baby's cues through feeding and day-to-day care, Dad may feel as though he is trying to catch up while everyone is already exhausted.
Some fathers also experience postpartum depression or anxiety. These difficulties can affect bonding, confidence, relationships, and a parent's ability to cope with the demands of caring for a newborn. They deserve to be taken seriously, just as maternal mental health concerns do. (We wrote more about postpartum emotional wellness and where to find support, and much of it applies to both parents.)
Recognizing Dad's emotional experience does not diminish Mom's needs. It helps the entire family get the support it needs.
Make room for Dad to talk about what he is experiencing
If Dad feels inadequate or rejected, telling him to be more confident or simply keep trying may not help.
Instead, make room for an honest conversation about what this experience is like for him.
You might ask:
- What goes through your mind when the baby cries in your arms?
- Are you worried that you are doing something wrong?
- Do you feel confident caring for the baby when I am not around?
- What part of parenting feels most overwhelming right now?
- What would help you feel more supported as you learn?
Try to approach the conversation with curiosity rather than criticism. Dad may need reassurance that a baby's preference is not a verdict on his parenting, along with practical opportunities to develop his skills.
It can also help to recognize the things he is already doing well. If he is patient during diaper changes, attentive to the baby's cues, or consistently making time to connect, tell him that those things matter.
The goal is not to protect Dad from every uncomfortable feeling. It is to help him work through those feelings rather than allowing them to become a barrier to his relationship with the baby.
Help Dad build confidence through practice, not pressure
Confidence often develops after we have had opportunities to do something, not before.
Dad may not feel ready to settle the baby independently until he has had more experience caring for them. Waiting until he feels completely confident before involving him can create a cycle in which he never gets the chance to develop that confidence.
At the same time, throwing him into the most challenging situations without preparation can make him feel even less capable.
Start with manageable responsibilities, offer support where it is helpful, and allow him to learn through experience.
It is okay if he feels awkward at first. It is okay if his first attempts at settling do not work. And it is okay if he needs help figuring out what his baby is communicating.
He is learning a new relationship, not taking an exam.
Consider professional support before the situation becomes a crisis
Sometimes the difficulties go beyond a lack of experience. Dad may be experiencing persistent anxiety, low mood, irritability, intrusive worries, difficulty bonding, or a sense that he is failing as a parent.
In these circumstances, support from a qualified mental health professional can make a meaningful difference.
A therapist or counsellor experienced in perinatal mental health can help Dad work through fears about parenthood, explore his own experiences of being parented, develop coping strategies, and build confidence in his new role. Couples counselling may also help if exhaustion and disagreements about caregiving are putting strain on the relationship.
Depending on your location, additional options may include a primary care provider, a perinatal mental health service, a postpartum support organization, or a peer support group for fathers.
You do not have to wait until Dad is in crisis to seek support. Getting help during pregnancy or in the early newborn days may make it easier to navigate these challenges before they become entrenched.
In Canada, the Government of Canada's postpartum health guide includes information about partner mental health and finding support.
The aim is to prevent a situation where Mom becomes exhausted from carrying the entire emotional and practical load while Dad feels increasingly unable to help. Both parents deserve care, and both parents deserve the opportunity to develop a confident relationship with their baby.
7. What If Mom Is Already Completely Exhausted?
Sometimes families are reading this article because they are not starting from a calm, manageable place.
Mom may already be waking for every feed, settling every nap, responding to every nighttime cry, and feeling like she cannot leave the house without worrying about what will happen. She may also be lying awake long after the baby has settled, checking again and again that the baby is breathing.
Dad may genuinely want to help, but every attempt ends with a crying baby and an exhausted family.
If this is where you are, it is important to recognize that you need support now, even while you work on building Dad's confidence.
You do not need to wait until the baby is happy settling with Dad before Mom can get some rest.
Look at the whole support system
Ask yourselves what practical help is available.
Could a trusted family member help with meals, laundry, or household tasks? Could Dad take over more of the daytime care while Mom rests? Is there a postpartum doula, public health nurse, lactation consultant, or other qualified professional who could help you understand your baby's needs and identify ways to share the workload?
If Mom is breastfeeding, Dad may still be able to protect her rest by managing diaper changes, bringing the baby for feeds, settling the baby afterward when appropriate, and taking on household responsibilities.
If Dad is struggling emotionally, he may need support of his own rather than simply being given more responsibilities without any additional guidance.
It is also worth considering whether the baby's difficulty settling is related to something other than parental preference. Hunger, discomfort, illness, feeding difficulties, or other concerns can contribute to crying. If the crying is unusual, persistent, or accompanied by symptoms that worry you, seek advice from your baby's healthcare provider.
And if either parent feels overwhelmed to the point of losing control, place the baby on their back in a safe, empty crib and step away briefly to regain composure. Never shake a baby. Seek immediate help if you are concerned about anyone's safety.
There is no prize for managing without support. The goal is a healthier, more sustainable situation for the entire family.
8. Remember That Progress May Not Be Linear
You might spend a week building positive one-on-one time, only to find that your baby suddenly wants Mom for everything again.
Perhaps Dad successfully settles the baby for a nap but cannot manage bedtime. Maybe the baby is comfortable with Dad during the day but cries for Mom at night.
This does not mean you are back at square one.
Babies' needs change with their developmental stage, tiredness, hunger, illness, and the amount of stimulation they have experienced. A baby who is comfortable with Dad in one situation may still need Mom in another.
Rather than measuring success by whether Dad can always settle the baby, look for smaller signs of progress.
Does the baby seem more relaxed in Dad's arms? Is Dad becoming better at recognizing hunger and tiredness cues? Can he complete more of the bedtime routine? Does he feel less anxious when the baby cries? Can Mom take a short break without feeling that everything will fall apart?
These are meaningful changes.
Keep offering opportunities for connection, adjust your expectations when needed, and remember that you are building a relationship that will continue to develop long after the newborn stage.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it normal for a baby to only want Mom?
Yes. Many babies show a strong preference for one caregiver, especially when that person has been their primary source of feeding and comfort. This does not mean the other parent cannot form a close bond with them. Regular, responsive care can help babies become more comfortable with both parents.
How do I get my baby to settle with Dad without leaving them to cry?
Begin with positive one-on-one time when your baby is calm. Gradually introduce Dad into familiar routines, including cuddling, feeding where appropriate, and the calmer parts of bedtime. If your baby becomes increasingly distressed, respond to their needs and try again at another time. You do not need to leave a baby to cry to build their relationship with Dad.
Can Dad settle a breastfed baby?
Yes. A breastfed baby can develop a close, comforting relationship with Dad even if Mom remains the primary feeding parent. Dad can cuddle the baby, provide skin-to-skin contact, take on diaper changes, help after feeds, and gradually participate in settling. If the baby is hungry, respond to their feeding cues rather than trying to replace a feed with another soothing method.
Should Mom leave the room so the baby learns to settle with Dad?
Not necessarily. Some babies find it easier to engage with Dad when Mom is not immediately visible, while others do well with both parents nearby. You can experiment with what works for your family without making Mom's absence a requirement. The priority is to build positive experiences rather than force a separation.
What if Dad gets frustrated when the baby won't settle?
First, make sure Dad has a chance to step away safely and regain composure when he needs to. Never shake a baby. Outside the moment of distress, talk about what is making the experience difficult and identify manageable ways to build confidence. If frustration, anxiety, low mood, or feelings of inadequacy persist, professional support may be helpful.
When should we seek professional help?
Consider speaking with a healthcare provider if the baby's crying or settling difficulties are persistent or concerning, if feeding or sleep issues are affecting the family's wellbeing, or if either parent is struggling emotionally. Perinatal mental health professionals can support both mothers and fathers through the transition to parenthood.
You Don't Have to Choose Between Mom's Comfort and Dad's Confidence
When your baby only settles with Mom, it can feel as though your family is stuck in a pattern that nobody knows how to change.
But you do not have to force your baby to accept a different caregiver, and Dad does not have to prove himself by managing the hardest moments alone.
Start with connection. Give Dad opportunities to enjoy his baby when everyone is relatively calm. Let him develop his own soothing techniques. Gradually introduce him into feeding and sleep routines, and respond compassionately when things do not go as planned.
Most importantly, remember that both parents are learning. Dad's fears and insecurities deserve attention, just as Mom's exhaustion and need for support deserve to be taken seriously.
Building a stronger relationship between Dad and baby is not just about giving Mom a break, although that matters enormously. It is about helping Dad feel capable and connected, helping the baby experience comfort from both parents, and creating a family dynamic that does not depend on one exhausted person being available for every need.
You can build toward that, one small, positive interaction at a time.
